Teaching Children Ways to Express Their Feelings with Words

Children naturally give us an idea of when they are experiencing negative emotions. We can see it in their facial expression and actions. If 3 yr old Timmy is frustrated with a toy he is trying to operate that is not working, you might suddenly see him chunk it across the room if he gets frustrated enough. Another instance might be where Jimmy is not happy when Susie takes most of the blocks they are both using for building so he knocks her structure over when she does not share more with him. 

My children's initial response to getting frustrated with the other sibling is to run off of course and say, "Mom, she has the cars I was using" or "Mom, he called me a slowpoke."  "Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom!!!" They of course want me to fix it or solve the problem for them.  Sometimes it's easier to just do that and tell them what needs to happen or what the other child needs from the first, but we come to realize that, this is not teaching them the independence they need as they grow older to solve their own problems. I am not at school with them.  They will have to learn to express their feelings and needs and if they cannot do it themselves, they will 

1. Likely act on instinct and hit someone or throw something when upset/frustrated/etc.
2. Not have the confidence they need to know what to do and be successful in all kinds of situations whether social, academic, or other. 

I was fortunate enough to attend a facilitation training last April for the Nurturing Parenting Program. I found great resources during the training that we are implementing here at home, although some have taken practice and time. 

One resource that has significantly helped our kids express their feelings to each other and help with the problem solving process, are the phrases below. 

I feel _______________________

when________________________

because______________________

I need you to ________________________.


Putting it into an example situation my kids have been in:

Adelyn says:

I feel ____upset________

when ___you call me a slowpoke___

because ____I don't like being called that____.

I need you to ___please stop calling me names____.\


Learning the Words
Yes, she and Zac have needed a lot of help learning the phrases and thinking up the right feelings to use when she is feeling something negative.  They both tend to resort to saying, "mad" when they are experiencing something negative.

Something we try to do as parents is:

1. Model, label and express our own feelings appropriately as parents so they can expand their vocabulary for feelings. I have found these guidelines very useful myself. 
2. Ask them if they are feeling certain feelings based on the situation if they have a hard time coming up with something such as "frustrated" or "upset."

My kids, almost 8 yrs and 5 yrs, are still working on this. I am still giving them many reminders to use it, but less on the words and order of the phrases. As I mentioned earlier...it has been useful for me to when expressing my own frustrations to the kids. If anyone needs help remembering to use it in the first place, post it in various places around the house. Kids that can read will benefit and the parents can remember to set the example!

How do you De-stress?

Scott, thinking and looking forward to doing nothing on a camping trip.

To continue on with the theme of maintaining mental stability, I wanted to brainstorm different ideas on how to unwind or de-stress.  The presentation we heard on this topic included the fact that too much of anything is not good, but when used in balance, de-stressing activities are extremely beneficial! 

I know that I love:

• Playing the piano
• Doing yoga to very calming music (my favorite is Liquid Mind....it has no rhythm except the chord change when the songwriter takes a breath...he wrote it specifically to help himself de-stress).
• Meditating
• Sitting on the couch while the kids play with a cup of decaff coffee
• reading
• watching TV
• Painting
• Playing soccer

What is your favorite way to calm yourself??

Taking a nap?

Going for a walk?

Exercising?

Reading a book?

Painting?

Making music?

Petting a dog?

Splashing in puddles?

Swinging?

Playing in the dirt?

Or better yet, playing in the mud? 

Playing in the sand?

Digging for dinosaurs?

Cleaning?

Socializing?

Being a couch potato?

We all have our own ways of unwinding.  Love to hear from you!!

Maintaining Mental Stability-Putting on Your Own Oxygen Mask

Japanese Tea Gardens-San Antonio, TX

Maintaining Mental Stability-Putting on Your Own Oxygen Mask

Yesterday, a group at my church I help to co-coordinate called 
MOMS (ministry of mothers in service), invited a licensed professional counselor to come speak with us on how to maintain our own mental stability while doing our jobs as mothers and wives.  The information from this presentation does not only apply to mothers and wives.  It can apply to any human being learning to enjoy their life and love who they are.

As I observed reactions around the room and listened to questions and comments, I realized that her words had really touched each of us.  It appeared to me that we could all relate to what she was saying to us.  She heavily emphasized the fact that we need to take care of our emotional and mental stability the way we would our own physical stability.

I took notes however I did not get everything word for word. I just wanted to share the summary of her presentation. 

Maintaining Mental Stability in the Home-Putting on your oxygen mask.

Part I

When we are on an airplane we hear the flight attendants tell us that if something happens on the plane and the oxygen masks drop, put yours on first and then help those around you. Why? Because if you pass out, then you will not be able to help anyone else. The same is true for us. If we do not take care to guard our physical safety and our emotional safety, then we will not be able to provide for our children and have good relationships with our husbands.  

Emotional safety

We  have the right and duty to protect our emotional safety just as you would your physical safety.  If someone were to shove you or hit you in the face you would put up a guard, and say "whoa...you can't do that. That's not okay".  The same idea applies when you are guarding your emotional safety.  If someone verbally abuses you or in other words, talks down on you or makes jokes about your character you can and should put up that same guard and say "whoa...you can't do that, that's not okay". 

We do not have to sacrifice our physical and emotional safety. We need to be healthy all around in order to do our jobs as human beings and create a healthy family life.

Part II

Anxiety

What are coping techniques we use to calm our anxieties? Anxiety is caused by cortisol which is a hormone that is released when we are anxious.  Water can physically lower our cortisol levels so this is another reason to drink a lot of water.Deep breathing can also do the same.

Ideas from our moms on effective coping mechanisms: chocolate, bubble baths, reading (books we read have an effect on our mood), stretching and yoga, calming music, Pinterest, and shopping, prayer.

Balance the coping mechanisms

Coping mechanisms are important and can be wonderful but balance is key. Too much of anything can throw off our balance of what's important.  

Cognitive technique to lowering anxiety and solve our issues

1. Stop

2. Think back through the thoughts you just had.

3. At which thought did you notice your anxiety start.

4.Use words- words help us understand the problem which then helps us to solve it. Journaling or just writing down your thoughts can be a way of processing your thoughts and internalizing.  

5.  Is your anxiety or emotional survival being affected by someone else's words or actions or is it the thoughts that you are telling yourself? 

Words help us. We as humans live on words. When we understand the problem we feel a lot better.

Part III

Ways to Resolve

What can we do to predict and prepare for particular outcomes? We watch the weather channel so that we can be prepared for the weather if we go outside.  What can we do ahead of time to prepare for what YOU have control over.  

Sometimes we as moms get anxious about particular situations because our survival of emotional and physical safety comes into play.  How can we use our words to help other people understand why we are anxious about these particular situations such as a husband waking a child at night.  

Use "I feel" statements such as, "I feel like you are not taking my sleep into consideration when you make a lot of noise and wake up the baby. If the baby wakes up then I have to get up and care for the baby during my time to sleep and get the rest I need". 

Moms are natural scientists.  

We do what we do to prepare for something, such as wanting to be the only one to pack a diaper bag because we know what we need and how to do it.  

Sometimes we do not realize that others have ides from another perspective and asking questions in an open and non-threatening way can bring in new ideas.  How can we use our words with our husbands to solve problems that affect our emotional survival/anxiety?

Again....is your emotional survival being affected by another person? 

Or is it the thoughts you are telling yourself?

Top 10 Things I Have Done for My Wellness

Leaving Bainbridge Island 

I have been looking back often to think about how my husband and I have grown in our own mental health and lifestyle habits.  I look back and realize how far we have come since we got married 6 1/2 years ago or since I first started college 10 1/2 years ago.  Even though I'm not perfect, I look back and see something to be proud of and I hope that you can do so in your own life.

Scott and I both had our share of emotional struggles.  He experienced extreme depression and anxiety which began in college.  I found that I am very anxious when I am away from being social with close family and friends and have also pinpointed other things that cause me to be fearful.  We have both learned about which habits are not healthy or are frustrating to other people in the house.   We have both had to learn about how to handle other people when are frustrated with them, and how to figure out if there is anything we can change about ourselves to improve the situation with these particular people, or if we have no control.   We have had to learn to not take everything personally....sometimes people respond to situations in negative ways because of things going on with them, not necessarily because there's something wrong with me.  Still not perfect but still on the learning path.


I wanted to share resources that have helped us along the way.  If you have any to share please leave your helpful suggestions in the comments.  I love hearing about what works for different types of people.

• Counseling-  I believe very much in cognitive behavioral counseling.  Counseling is not just for people with extreme mental disorders.  It's a form of maintaining wellness. Practicing the techniques at home are a big part of this to help change any negative habits of thinking. Scott went for 5 years on a regular basis.  He and I also went for a year to marriage counseling and then now we go as needed.  If you do not click well with the first counselor you find try another one.  They are okay with that and know that not everyone meshes with every counselor. 

• Self help books- My favorites are on the "Emotional Health Resources" tab on the blog.  Let me just say, reading self-help books does not mean you lack faith.  Just as we go to the doctor for medical treatment, we must help our brains for mental issues.  Scott made great strides in his mental state with Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy, The Optimistic Child and Brainlock (which is also very good for anyone with OCD). Understanding how behavior works and observing my own in regard to these books has seriously effected my habits. 

• www.Dailystrength.org   This is a support group website. You sign up and can join groups of all types.  I am part of the asthma support group and mother's of toddlers.  Scott joined an anxiety group.  There is almost every medical condition you can think of.  You can discuss and vent with people who have issues similar to you such as these things, write journals which you can have everyone on daily strength see, friends on daily strength see or just you see.  This group can help to lesson any isolation you may feel in your situation.

• Socializing and Support Groups- I need people.  I get energy from socializing. Having people who can relate and understand can bring a sense of peace and remind us that we are not alone especially if you are new to a place, a new stay at home mom, working from home, dealing with some form of stress, and plenty more.  Hop on Google and see what type of support groups or socializing sites are in your area. You may be surprised.  One popular website is www.meetup.com.  You can find people with similar interests to hang out with or groups who have similar lifestyles such as a stay at home mom group.  Scott just met a bunch of people who work for the same company when he judged a science fair this past weekend.  I have had to learn to speak up and ask people if they want to have lunch.  It was so hard at first but really, what did I have to lose?  

• Hobbies-  I love trying out different hobbies but I do  have my favorites.  Joining a choir last year and getting back into soccer has made me feel more normal again.  These are things I did growing up.  It also gives me time to socialize.  It is not only okay but necessary to have a hobby that does not stress you out and stimulates enjoyment.  

• Exercise-  Yes they all say it, I know.  This is one of the things that keeps Scott's muscles pain and tension under control.   I have felt better emotionally since I have started soccer again and have also started doing weights once a week with the dvd Crunch: Total Resculpt. I will be another witness in saying that those endorphins and other chemicals released during that time have a great effect on mood and there's nothing like the reward of accomplishment in exercise.  Start small and increase little by little.  Set yourself up for success. If you have never gone running, don't start out with 5 miles.  Start with running for 1 minute and walking for 29 or something like that.  Set up a schedule for yourself ahead of time so you can plan it into your routine

• Eating- Let me just say I have NOT perfected this. Eating habits are just difficult in so many different aspects. What I do know is what foods make me feel so much better.  We have "cheat day" on Saturdays when we allow ourselves to eat all kinds of junkie things.  I feel so much worse at the end of the day than I do the other days of the week.  During the week we have our dessert or "cheat" item after dinner.  Planning out meals for the entire week help to keep us eating healthy so we do not fall into the trap of "I can't find anything to eat in here...I'll just eat _____".  

• Stretching-  I can definitely tell when it's been more than a week without stretching.  My muscles definitely ache.  I like that 10 minutes in the morning which makes me take time to think before the day starts.  I don't get it in every morning but every other day works well for me.  I feel success from accomplishing something already that day and very refreshed.  

• Prayer/Meditation/Slowing down the mind-  Find your own form of slowing down the mind. Is it music, quiet, drawing or journaling? I have a prayer table set up with things that bring me peace that I sit at and an area to play my favorite relaxation music with slow to no tempo.  Deep breathing to this music helps me really calm down.  Those deep breaths really get oxygen through the bloodstream and that combined with the natural effect of music in your emotion centers of the brain can bring the calm we need.  My favorite relaxation music is Jim Brickman, Liquid mind and Gregorian Chant.

• Simplifying-  Learning tips to organization and learning how to decide what to keep make me feel less stressed.  I have had to learn that everything cannot be sentimental otherwise you have a house full of stuff.  It has also been an emotional journey of knowing that our stuff is nice but it does not define who we are.  If I give this thing away, will it take away from me as a person?  If I save this thing because I might use it later, will I end up with more stuff than I can handle.  Can I just buy another one when I need it later? We now take lots of pictures and then give the thing away that we do not need.  Thank you to my friend Becca for teaching me about how organization in your life effects your wellness. There are great tips for storage and organization on the Container store's website.  www.containerstore.com

How do you keep yourself well? Your thoughts are always appreciated. 

I am not being paid by any companies to advertise any products.

Minds Affecting Outcome

Happy New Year 2013!  

Every January that tradition of "new years resolutions" comes to mind and sometimes conversation and every year I have plenty of things come to mind that I would like to do better. In the midst of all of the election business, devastating news, my death row pen pal's execution and my own thoughts about how minds and habits work, I recalled the other day an event from my sophomore year at Sam Houston.  It reminded me of how our minds play an important role on the outcome of our success. 

My sophomore year was coming to an end. I had just finished my first two music therapy classes, Intro to Music Therapy and Psychology of Music.  I had also finished another year of piano lessons, performance classes, and also a concert and piano finals (juries). 

 Along with me in the piano studio, was a graduating senior by the name of Emily.  I knew her as an excellent piano performance major who's fingers could fly across the piano a hundred times faster and accurately than my own. I am not entirely sure how she saw herself but I did know that before any type of performance or audition she was absolutely sick to her stomach.  I myself was no expert at calming nerves before any type of performance.  I knew how it was to go out there and mess up on notes that I had down in the practice room or just plain forget stuff that I had thought I had well memorized, not to mention sweating hands on the keys. 

The time had come for us at the end of that year, to have our very last piano performance class, a class where we played our pieces for each other.  During this last class we were just discussing the year and Emily announced to us that she had figured out how to not be sick before a performance.  Excited and eager to hear her response we sat on the edge of our chairs in anticipation for the advice she was about to give.  "I figured out how to not be sick by telling myself that I don't have to be sick". We stared at her. What? Really? That's the best advice you have for us? I thought to myself.  By the looks of a couple of others in the room I could tell they were thinking similar thoughts. She went on to tell us about how she realized that she did so much better when she told herself that before performances and focused on that thought. 

I didn't get it.  I knew that when I was little, say maybe 9 or 10, I learned that if I was grumpy or in a bad mood when trying to study or accomplish a skill in sports, I did not do well. I learned then that attitude did have an affect on success. But at the time of Emily giving us her grand advice I did not understand how just telling herself that simple line could make such a big difference. 

Over the next two years though, her grand advice turned out to be extremely grand and helpful.  Not at first though. I went through another piano jury where I butchered something that had sounded really good before all because of nerves. I didn't practice enough, I thought to myself.  I should have done this this and this instead. And maybe I should have but I learned later that those things were not my biggest problem.  I thought about Emily's words more and more over each semester after that whether it was for piano, conducting, test taking, facilitating sessions and behavior modification, and presentations.  Through each of these events it made more and more sense.  In piano specifically, I told myself almost arrogantly (because I really had to in order to do the best I could), "I don't have to be nervous.  This is going to be fun. I'm going to do great. So what if there's a lot of people, that's the fun part. This does not have to be nerve racking. I'm a great piano player. Even if I'm not the best, I'm still good. I have great musicality. I have evidence of these things because I heard myself succeed in the practice rooms and my professor told me these things". These words over and over accompanied with simple deep breaths, 4 seconds in and 4 out, I succeeded far better than I had in the past. 

I realized though that this can apply to any area of our lives just as it applied to so many of my subjects.  We can do anything we want to in life.  If you have a great interest in something what is stopping you from it? There are even great runners in the Olympics run with two prosthetic legs. So is it our thoughts that stop us? There are sometimes real physical and mental limitations, but we just have to verify, "Is there REALLY something valid stopping me from doing this or succeeding?  Or is it just my own thoughts?" 

I need to find Emily and thank her. I hope her own advice has helped her as much as it helped me.

As parents we know that we want to be the absolute best we can possibly be to our children and hope as a result of this, that we have given them everything they need to function in our society independently when the become adults.  We also want to love, nurture and enjoy them every day that we are with them and hope that when they look back at their childhood they are filled with positive .  To get to this result we search among friends, family, books, internet sites, speakers and more to improve ourselves and the way we parent so we can reach the ultimate family life we dream of. None of us reach perfection but hopefully we are building healthy family lives and a community that all are proud to be a part of. 

Many of us while growing up, were fortunate to get experience in observing adults raise their own kids through resources such as family, friends or babysitting.  I also feel so fortunate that I had the experience in researching and learning in college before I got married and became a mother.  Without that background I may have been completely over my head in reading materials trying to quickly learn to cope with all of the parenting behavior challenges. Please except my congratulations to all parents who walk into parenting with little understanding of how behavior works, yet learn to handle their own emotions and learn to use healthy discipline techniques.  Parenting is hard work (if you are a parent, you have figured this out!)  

Over these past 5+ years I have been compiling my own set of beliefs on parenting as all parents do. There are hundreds and hundreds of parenting books out there and we have to figure out which ones to trust and what we think is the most healthy.  

I have read some fantastic books about parenting but I have to say that the book that I have posted a picture of above, Parenting with Love and Logic along with the Optimistic Child by Dr. Martin Seligman which I have previously posted about, (click on emotional health resources)  are the closest to my set of core beliefs that I have developed about parenting and behavior modification. Thank you to my friend Becca for introducing me to the program which she heard about through her MOPS group. In my studies in music therapy at Sam Houston State University, we learned about all forms of therapy and we were encouraged to develop our own beliefs, however we focused on cognitive behavioral therapy.  Parenting with Love and Logic, I believe, has excellent examples of behavior modification and ideas on what makes successful children (or raises the odds of doing so).

The book focuses on building self confidence in our children by teaching them how to make healthy and effective choices.  This book encourages us to teach our children to look at situations with the perception that everything is a choice because that's how life is.  We make hundreds, possibly thousands of choices every day.  If children do not practice the skills of choice making every day while they are young, they will have more difficulty doing so when they get older (and the consequences of mistakes humans make in our teens are much more costly than when they are small children).  We change the perception of situations from "mommy put me in time out/calm down area" to "i chose to go to the time out/calm down area when I made the choice to hit my brother". Sometimes children get to choose between 2 things that are both good.  "Would you like the green shirt or the blue shirt today?"  Sometimes they must choose between following directions or facing the consequence (chosen by the parents).  We teach them that every choice we make has consequences.  

The book has a few analogies to Christian stories, however the meat of this book is very evidence- based and scientific and any religion can benefit from the ideas and techniques in this book. I really believe this can change family life for the best and minimize frustration for all members.  Enjoy!

"The most intimate form of community is family" -Fr. Stephen Payne

More Thoughts on The Optimistic Child

I've continued my read through the book The Optimistic Child by Martin E.P. Seligman, PhD.  I have felt excitement and motivation as I have read and sometimes re-read the content of this book.  I have found it as an extremely helpful guide in encouraging healthy thinking and perception in situations that occur for our children. I know this upcoming year for us with Zachary in kindergarten will provide even more practice of the activities/discussion situations. The information shared from his research makes very logical sense when I look back on my own life and think about what has given me confidence in my own development.  Most of the activities in the book involve listening to example situations and discussing appropriate perceptions or responses to each.  It may possibly be something to start introducing in early elementary but for some maybe late elementary.

The last couple of chapters of the book discuss helpful ways to begin healthy thinking with babies.  These techniques are obviously very different from the techniques given for older children because "very young children do not yet have the cognitive skills to recognize and dispute their own thoughts" (Seligman, 278). He also explains that there are three crucial principles for giving very young children the skills for optimism and these principles come from research on learned helplessness.  The principles are mastery, positivity and explanatory style.  Today's post will focus on Mastery

Mastery 

Dr. Seligman explains that babies can learn the skill of mastery by experiencing control or outcomes that are contingent on their actions. Babies that shake a rattle laugh maybe because they like the sound but even more so because they are the ones making the sound happen.  They realize when they shake it makes a noise and when they stop it stops also.  This is mastery of an object and is the first building block to self confidence.

On the contrary, "helplessness results from noncontingency, a situation in which the probability of an outcome is the same whether or not a response is made" (Seligman).  Dr. Seligman gives an example of an early experiment with rats.  If a rat gets an electric shock and there is nothing the rat can do to make it stop the rat becomes helpless.  If a rattle or some type of electronic toy made a sound intermittently on its own with no response to the baby pressing a button or shaking it, the baby is helpless over what the rattle does.

It is also important to set the children up for success.  Dr. Seligman suggests this but this is also something that was ingrained in us during our therapy training classes.  If you are helping the child master a fear of the sandbox it would not be suggested to plop them in the middle of a sand pile.  Let them feel a few pieces in their hand.  If you are working towards modifying a behavior work towards a goal that is achievable such as giving a reward to a child for using gentle hands 3 times in a morning rather than requiring that the reward be given only if there have been no mistakes all day.

Dr. Seligman also gives examples of what kinds of toys or activities encourage mastery.  Choices in general encourage mastery because it gives the child a sense of control and accomplishment.

• Echoing babies actions such as banging a cup on a table.  This reinforces their motor skill development as well as mastery of being able to do so. 
• Echoing babies sounds/speech.  This reinforces the idea that you think their sounds are good and encourages them to continue the sounds.  These sounds are the first steps to speech. 
• Blocks, mobiles within reach, tricycles, walkers, crayons and paper, pull pencils, dress up dolls, boxes, baby gyms, books, toys that make sounds when buttons are pressed, trucks, musical instruments, etc.  

An example of something that is NOT a building block for mastery is TV.  In once sense TV is good because it can have very educational lessons.  There is no mastery unless the child practices what the TV has taught.  Excessive TV all day long means no practice for mastery.  Dr. Seligman states that stuffed animals are not a mastery item however I do remember as a kid coming up with many pretend stories with stuffed animals. Perhaps his thoughts are on babies and not the older children in this example. 

Of course this does not mean that we give our kids unlimited options and no structure. Sometimes picking from 1 or 2 things is appropriate and other times when something is unsafe we obviously need to say "no".  

We also know that sometimes we fail and our children will too. This may cause less interest in exploration and an unwillingness to try again.  Our job comes in again here perhaps with assistance and always with positive feedback. 

I hope this has been insightful on giving young children opportunities to build self confidence or mastery.  I will be learning right along with everyone else.

Memorial Garden

One of my newest projects is here in my backyard.  I am building a memorial garden with flowers dedicated to special people in my life who have died.  This has been an important step in my healing process. 

I have had the privilege of knowing an abundance of beautiful people in my life. Everyone we meet has something unique to bring into another's presence. In the past 7 months 3 people dear to my heart have died and gone to heaven as I believe. One was a friend from junior high and high school, Sofia. At the time she was one of my best friends.  When collage came around we went separate ways and got involved in different things. I regret that we had not seen each other in a few years. It was unexpected and sudden and I found out via Facebook. Thankfully I was able to attend her funeral and reconnect with her beautiful family.  I often look at old pictures.  The second was Scott's grandpa who was his mother's father. I did not know him well I cherished the few times I got to visit with him or read his letters.  He was completely deaf and not always interested in being around other people.  He was very good at painting and I enjoyed learning ASL to communicate with him as I do with Scott's mom. He lived until he was close to 90. The third was a beautiful lady whom I've known my entire life and she happened to be my aunt through marrying my mom's brother Carl. Her name was Linda Marie and she was one of the kindest, gentlest people I've ever known.  She took me into her home many nights for sleepovers with my cousins growing up during the summers.  I always loved to be in their home.  She made trips to visit us for many important events in our lives growing up such as my confirmation, my brother's first communion and my son's baptism. We found out in November that she had cancer.  The 5 months after that are almost a blur.  Linda went to heaven on March 6, 2012.

 I often find myself back in the denial stage but things such as the garden bring me great comfort. Each person has flowers named just for them. 

Sofia's Roses

Linda's Roses

I also have flowers planted for Scott's grandpa Philip and am planting more for two friends from high school, Zack and Kristen. I met Zack in choir and had biology with him.  He was one of the kindest and most respectful men I have known. Kristen I met at church. I don't think she had an enemy.  She was always cheerful and kind to everyone. 

Another resource I have found helpful is the set of books from the Stephen Ministry. Although it is put out by a religious organization the information inside applies to anyone. It discusses different types of grief and helps guide people to a healthy grieving. There is a book for 1 month after the death, 3 months and 6 months I believe. I highly recommend them. 

The 5 Love Languages Affecting Children

A group I belong to called MOMS (ministry of mothers in service) and today we met for our monthly meeting.  Today we discussed the 5 Love Languages, a book written by Gary Chapman to help couples understand how they themselves as well as their spouse, feel loved.  We also talked about how learning about the love languages helps us understand our children.


For anyone not familiar, the love languages are words of affirmation, quality time, gift giving, acts of service and physical touch.


The more I dwell on the topic, the more I realize that my son is a definite quality time little guy.  Although he plays by himself, he definitely prefers to have me play with him.  Of course little children delight when their parents play with them, however I have noticed how much his attitude and mood increases when he receives this time compared with the other love languages.


So I guess the question is, what determines the love languages we respond to best? Is it genetics or is it what we get used to growing up? Or is it a little bit of both? Although I'm not an expert, my opinion like many others is that it's both.


I don't have all the answers but what we can do is observe our children and notice how they respond to the different forms of love. We can also notice their response when they do not receive the love language they favor. Perhaps we notice a change in attitude or behavior.


A good friend Sarah pointed out that if a little child thrives on words of affirmation they could also be more affected by hurtful words.  That is a great point and maybe we have to work a little harder to teach them appropriate responses to situations of that nature. It could also be possible that the response to hurtful words has to do with how we as parents have responded to our children's negative situations or behavior (information and techniques from The Optimistic Child). It is so hard to know where behaviors and responses originate sometimes. We can get a general idea but knowing how to change it for the better is what is important.


Resources like the 5 Love Languages and The Optimistic Child I have found extremely helpful in getting to know my children and seeking to improve emotional health.


Please leave your thoughts if you have any!