Is it Okay to Ask for Help?

Our friend, accepting gifts.

I have been thinking back to another mothers meeting we had a year ago at our church.  The moms meeting topics have really stuck with me, partially because I finalize plans and topics, but also because we have many great moments there where topics and discussion really hit home.  

A year ago in October of 2014, we had a counselor come in and talk about time management.  Right after her presentation we decided to do something special for a mom who found out a month prior that she had colon cancer.  She is a very sweet lady and is the historian for our group.  She is a very generous and kind person and I find her constantly in an encouraging mind set.  When we found out she had cancer we were all in shock and were especially concerned because she had a 4 yr old son and 6 yr old daughter.  So, I asked our assistant pastor, Fr. Servando to come join us at the meeting and pray over our beautiful friend.  He was very glad to join us.  

Before he did his prayers and blessing, I had decided to open up the moment with a few words about asking for help.  The gist of it, was that sometimes as moms, we either forget to ask for help or think that we should not have to or that we should be able to "do it all."  After all, we stay home all day, right?  Or perhaps we do not want to burden someone else.  It had struck me earlier that week as I thought about these things, that even Jesus asked for help or accepted help.  During the feeding of 5000 people, Jesus turned to his apostles and asked if they had any food.  Maybe he knew what he was going to do and maybe he needed something to multiply, but he still turned to them and asked.  They also helped him collect the leftovers.  The end result was a little bit of team work and allowing the apostles an opportunity to serve too.  My next thought was Jesus accepting help from Simon of Cyrene to carry the cross.  Maybe he could have done it himself because he is God, but the way it turned out shows a good example to us accepting help from others during struggles which does not indicate that we are week, but instead, courageous and part of a community where all take opportunities to serve each other.

Our friend mentioned that she often did not like to ask for help often, but she admitted that now she needed others.  She would need meals, rides to chemo when her husband went back to work after taking off as much time as he could, someone to watch her children, support, encouragement, prayers, and lots of love.  A care calendar was made and the community served her through her times of difficulty.  Our friend, a year later, is now in remission. 

In my own life, I have recently had to ask for or accept help in many ways with the birth of our 3rd child.  I can no longer squeak by on chores and the older kids now have a few more responsibilities. I sometimes have asked Zac to help me make my own breakfast when we are trying to get out the door to school on time.  One bigger example is my trips to the grocery store.  I usually decline help out of the store with the cart, avoiding having someone push a cart that I am capable of pushing, getting out of small talk until we find our vehicle, and enjoying the extra exercise, but with our weekly cartload of groceries and a tired back from wearing Lincoln in the sling, I have had to say "yes please!"  

I strongly dislike making mistakes and who doesn't? It is also often frustrating to not be able to do something ourselves especially opening the silly pickle jar! Or figuring out technology!!  Or figuring out how to perfectly raise children!!! Who likes having their independence inhibited or taken away?  Fortunately, it helps us to keep reaching out, keeps us talking, sets a good example for our kids to accept help and help, and keeps humans in communities. I'm not one who can survive without social interaction anyhow and I am pretty sure that "I am not alone" in that!  

Kids working together and helping each other fill the bucket.

Zac helping the family with Sunday lunch.

Zac and cub scouts helping the school by cleaning up

Adelyn helping Mom to get ready by playing with the baby.

Adleyn helping mom to eat dinner while playing with the baby.

Lincoln coaching Dad on how to fix some computer problems.  Well okay, not really.

The Joys of Motherhood

There have been many changes here in the Miller house. It all happened right at the end of August on the 2nd day of school.  After a lot of preparation and lots and lots of waiting, we were able to welcome to the outside world our 3rd beautiful child, Lincoln Scott.  

I am delighted to now have three.  I have loved being part of a large family thanks to my parents having many siblings which then gave me tons of cousins. I loved marrying into another large family. My dream for our family was four children, but I cannot say that we will ever get there. I am definitely thankful to have the three we have. I know many who pray to have at least 1.  

The Joys of Motherhood This September we began our 9th season of Moms Meetings at my church.  The topic chosen to open out the year was "The Joys of Motherhood."  I have to say, that was a great opening topic for the year and I am thankful it was suggested.  We had our experienced moms present to us on finding these joys even through the rough days or moments when we wonder if we are going to survive or just make it through the day. This past year I have been reminded that in pregnancy and childbirth there is real rough stuff, but yet there is definitely real beauty and real joy.  

We Forget There are many things we forget about from previous pregnancies or birth experiences. The first time moms are pregnant we encounter many experiences we had no idea we would encounter that no one ever bothered to mention before, some wonderful and some that are just dreadful.   The wonderful ones we remember and maybe as humans we hold onto those and block out the dreadful stuff so that we are not intimidated to have more kids in the future. 

With this birth I once again remembered those difficult things I had forgotten.  Like how you feel like doing pretty much nothing except sitting in the recliner during the last few weeks of pregnancy, how difficult it is to carry a full term baby in the womb up the stairs, how many times you wake up every night BEFORE the baby is born just to go to the bathroom or get water, how impatient we become waiting to go into labor, how some of us start shaking going into labor that has nothing to do with nerves, the difference between contractions before and after your water is broken, and then once the baby is born, how anxious you feel when the baby goes off to the nursery, how intimidating it is to know that you are responsible for the well being of such a small being,how difficult it is to sleep in the hospital, how you should ask for a stool softener before giving birth,  how cloudy you are for days and days, how hard it is to remember to shower, how your breasts feel like they are on fire for a month, how postpartum anxiety sucks so bad, how you wonder if you will ever get to enjoy leaving the house again, how there are moments when you just start pouring out tears, how you want to hang out with friends, but you are too exhausted or in no shape to enjoy friends, how going out to the store for the first time feels like you have to walk 10 miles AND jump through 10 hoops at each one, and well, I'm sure there is more, but I have since started blocking it out again. 

We Remember There is however, beauty and joy through all of this.  And those joyous moments are the ones worth remembering.  Like feeling those little butterfly kicks, feeling those powerful, the-baby-just-took-a-shot-on-goal kicks, seeing and holding your baby for the first time, seeing your husband hold your baby for the first time, watching your stomach deflate when the baby comes out, introducing the baby to siblings, introducing the baby to family and friends, loved ones bringing meals because they care, parents and in-laws who come and devote themselves to helping you and the family, looking or staring endlessly at your baby, when your baby smiles at you, watching your baby learn new things, and watching them grow and learn every day for the rest of your life. 

There Will Be More
There will be more moments of frustration and walks through the valley.  The frustrations will change.  Instead of not sleeping because we have  a baby we are trying to get to sleep, we won't be sleeping because we are anxious about our 16 yr old making it in for curfew. Instead of wishing our toddler would sleep in, we will wish our 13 yr old would wake up. But we will also have more moments of joy.  I have found more joyous moments than bad and those joys outweigh every frustration and dark day out there for me. To have a community is my dream and to me it is all well worth it. But don't ask me if I'm going to do this again any time soon. 

It will pass. It will all pass one day.  These moments will not last.  We will wish we could hold our babies again.  They will not be perfect.  They will make mistakes. But the hope is that we will shine with joy when we see all they have done in their precious lives, growing, persevering through trials, accomplishing goals, and living life in our family.

The Last Supper Experience For Children- A Progression from Our Home to Our Church

2010- Last Supper Experience in our home.

to....

2015- Last Supper for Children at our church parish 

2010
5 years ago in the month of March, my second child/daughter was born,  Easter was about 2 and 1/2 weeks away from that time and I knew I was going to unfortunately miss attending the Tridduum weekend.  My church here in San Antonio, St. Francis of Assisi, has extremely beautiful ceremonies that are a wonderful experience. This particular year though, I was not up for taking my 2 week old and my almost 3 yr old out late at night. 

That school year, I had gotten into doing "Tot School" at home with my 2 1/2 year old son who would turn 3 a month after his sister was born. We had our daily routine with a weekly theme for crafts, music, and activities most weeks. The week of Holy Week that year, I decided to do some things that would teach him about holy week and the Tridduum at home and still give him a good experience even though we were missing out on attending with the church community.  

On Holy Thursdsay, my mom and I put out special meal decorations on the dining room table, set up a foot washing station and the plate in the above picture.  We read a kid friendly version of the readings and acted out The Washing of the Feet from the Gospel of John and The Lord's Supper from Luke. It was very sweet watching Zac participate in this hands-on, pre-school friendly way. He had a great experience and remembered it. 

2011
The next year in 2011, we did our special Holy Thursday again.  My daughter had just turned a year and was even able to participate while sitting on the table with us. 

2012
The following year we extended our experience and invited friends to join us.  Our family friends offered to host at their house on the afternoon of Holy Thursday before we headed over for The Mass of the Lord's Supper. There were four families who attended. We had a special meal as Jesus did at his last supper, washed the feet of our own family members (although the kids helped with many of the families), and then broke the bread and grape juice. It was special doing it as a community as the apostles did in Acts of the Apostles "devoting themselves to the communal life." Right after this experience the kids got to apply their experience as a church community at Holy Thursday Mass/The Mass of the Lord's Supper.  

A side note:
This same year I also wanted the kids to experience stations of the cross in a way that would be meaningful to them and on their level. I came up with a way for them to walk from station to station, stop at each one, and collect something that they put in their Easter baskets.  Our first experience can be found here.  Stations of the Cross 

2013
The families that participated in our Last Supper decided that it would be nice to open up our experience to members of our church.  We started mainly with the St. Francis Moms Ministry.  We had about 8 families join us from the ministry and a couple that were not in the ministry, but were parishioners at our church. We were able to reserve our youth room which has a table area and a carpet area where we set up several foot washing stations. 

                                      

                           

                             

2014
The Moms Ministry decided to continue hosting this event each year at St. Francis. We thought the teaching behind it was important to emphasize to the kids.  Our pastoral associate thought it was a great idea too and liked the theology. We had planned to use our youth room again, but it turned out to be taken the night we asked for it.  This was fortunate because we instead got to use the parish hall and it turned out that we needed it!   We had about 20 families join us! 

To prepare and get this great turnout, we had a great team of moms help in many ways for our event including publicity, supplies coordinating, set up and decorating, photographing, and food coordinating!  We also had a few people provide live music with a guitar player and vocalists. My role was to lead the night.  I was extremely nervous about it. I'm not great speaking in front of large crowds, but I do enjoy teaching and working with kids.  I did some preparing to make sure this was going to be on an appropriate level for a variety of ages. Most of the children were about age 2- 9.  

To make things run as smoothly as possible and not take more than 2 hours we had the schedule go as follows.

• Welcome and opening prayer
• Interactive discussion and questions for Children about Last Supper
• Foot washing reading from the Gospel of John
• Washing of the feet opportunity and dinner
• Experience sharing
• Breaking of the Bread reading from the Gospel of Luke
• Closing prayer- Whole group made a large circle and started off singing We Are One Body

The tables had paper across them for the kids to color on. Each table also had bread and grapes for the center. Live music started off the night.  Dinner was really like a feast. I imagine that Jesus's last supper with his apostles was a special feast. Each attending family brought something to share. There were two semi circles on each side of our stage with 3 foot washing stations in each semi circle. The children got to sit in front of the tables in an open area with pillows and carpets spread out. Before each reading I asked questions to the kids to engage them in the facts of the Last Supper.  After hearing a reading, I gave instructions on the hands-on participation they would get to do with the foot washing and dinner.  We had a large chunk of time designated for families wash to wash their feet at the stations and share a meal. After the foot washing and dinner time, I invited the children to share their experience of having their feet washed and also washing someone else's foot.  We then read the reading from Luke and had each table share the bread and grape juice. I thought the closing prayer with the entire group making a circle was beautiful, as it showed that we were really one body, united in Christ. 

I was fortunate to host this event with a wonderful team of ladies.  One person doing all of the work would have been extremely difficult. Each of them did a beautiful job taking charge of their role and putting forward great ideas to make the night special. I thank them for sharing their efforts and ideas and also for making this event a priority. 

2015 
I definitely wanted this tradition to continue at our parish. I felt like it was a great way to help children learn about Holy Thursday and prepare for that Mass of the Lord's Supper that we celebrate that day. At St. Francis the assembly is invited to wash the foot of someone else at the Mass.  It's beautiful to see the service to other members of our church family in such a way that we do not see ordinarily. Our Last Supper for Children can be a great way to encourage kids to do this at the Mass.

I invited moms to sign up to help on the team and had a whole new team of ladies who wanted to participate in a leadership type role.  This year we had

• 2 supplies coordinators
• Food coordinator
• 5 Set up team members on the day of the event
• Laisson for set up (coordinated with the office)
• Photographer
• Choir and music laisson
• Opening prayer and foot washing demonstrator by one of our priests!
• 2 readers (one adult, one child)
• Go to assistant or go-for

We had our same schedule, but I added a few more interactive ways of teaching. For instance, I showed the kids the picture of the Last Supper, and showed them an analogy for what "we are one body" means. I also used a calendar and had kids put icons in the calendar slots for Palm Sunday, Holy Thursday, Good Friday and Easter Sunday so that they would know when each was coming, 

• Welcome and opening prayer
• Interactive discussion and questions for Children about Last Supper
• Sang and did motions for This Little Light of Mine and We Are One Body by Dana Scallon
• Foot washing reading from the Gospel of John
• Washing of the feet opportunity and dinner
• Experience sharing
• Breaking of the Bread reading from the Gospel of Luke
• Closing prayer- Whole group made a large circle and started off singing We Are One Body

This was a great experience for the family as a whole.  Whether families had a baby, toddler, or adolescent, it was something special that families and/or friends got to share together. It also taught the young children to have courage to do something kind for someone, even if it means washing their foot. We hope that it helped to prepare them for Holy Thursday Mass as well.   Looking forward to next year!

Teaching Children Ways to Express Their Feelings with Words

Children naturally give us an idea of when they are experiencing negative emotions. We can see it in their facial expression and actions. If 3 yr old Timmy is frustrated with a toy he is trying to operate that is not working, you might suddenly see him chunk it across the room if he gets frustrated enough. Another instance might be where Jimmy is not happy when Susie takes most of the blocks they are both using for building so he knocks her structure over when she does not share more with him. 

My children's initial response to getting frustrated with the other sibling is to run off of course and say, "Mom, she has the cars I was using" or "Mom, he called me a slowpoke."  "Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom!!!" They of course want me to fix it or solve the problem for them.  Sometimes it's easier to just do that and tell them what needs to happen or what the other child needs from the first, but we come to realize that, this is not teaching them the independence they need as they grow older to solve their own problems. I am not at school with them.  They will have to learn to express their feelings and needs and if they cannot do it themselves, they will 

1. Likely act on instinct and hit someone or throw something when upset/frustrated/etc.
2. Not have the confidence they need to know what to do and be successful in all kinds of situations whether social, academic, or other. 

I was fortunate enough to attend a facilitation training last April for the Nurturing Parenting Program. I found great resources during the training that we are implementing here at home, although some have taken practice and time. 

One resource that has significantly helped our kids express their feelings to each other and help with the problem solving process, are the phrases below. 

I feel _______________________

when________________________

because______________________

I need you to ________________________.


Putting it into an example situation my kids have been in:

Adelyn says:

I feel ____upset________

when ___you call me a slowpoke___

because ____I don't like being called that____.

I need you to ___please stop calling me names____.\


Learning the Words
Yes, she and Zac have needed a lot of help learning the phrases and thinking up the right feelings to use when she is feeling something negative.  They both tend to resort to saying, "mad" when they are experiencing something negative.

Something we try to do as parents is:

1. Model, label and express our own feelings appropriately as parents so they can expand their vocabulary for feelings. I have found these guidelines very useful myself. 
2. Ask them if they are feeling certain feelings based on the situation if they have a hard time coming up with something such as "frustrated" or "upset."

My kids, almost 8 yrs and 5 yrs, are still working on this. I am still giving them many reminders to use it, but less on the words and order of the phrases. As I mentioned earlier...it has been useful for me to when expressing my own frustrations to the kids. If anyone needs help remembering to use it in the first place, post it in various places around the house. Kids that can read will benefit and the parents can remember to set the example!

First Time in Forever- Dog Version

While driving back from the Scorpians soccer game, our family was listening to everyone's new favorite soundtrack... you likely have had on in your house or car in the past 12-24hours if you have young children. Yes, of course, Frozen. During For the First Time in Forever, we decided to be silly and change the words.  It was a really fun activity for our family to do together and it encouraged plenty of thinking and creativity.  

We tried out different themes and then tried to make it fit a soccer game with an offensive player vs a goalie using terms like "window" and "back door."  While I was thinking about it, I thought, "You know, this would really fit our dogs really well! "A window is open so's the back door!"  And voila, ideas for a song about dogs came pouring. There are many words we used that are in the original song.  So here it is...

My Dogs Version of For The First Time in Forever

The window is open, so’s the back door.

Let’s go in and lick the floor

And clean off all those lovely scrap-filled plates.

The couch is at the end of the hall. 

Let’s go lounge and then play ball.

Finally we got past the gates!

With the smells all of our people

And the scents in the trash.

This pillow is so fluffy I could crash.

For the first time in forever

I’ll nap by window light.

For the first time in forever

I’ll run through the house all night.

It’s fun getting muddy or grassy,

But I just love this zone.

For the first time in forever,

I’m running here alone.

Tonight imagine us groomed and all

Fetchingly drooling on my new baseball

Embarking on a sophisticated chase

Suddenly I see it sitting there..

A beautiful hotdog, tall and fare.

I want to stuff it all in my face!

But then I nibbled it all evening.

Which is totally bizarre!

Nothing like the lunch we’ve had so far!

For the first time in forever, I’ve got food in plain sight.

For the first time in forever, I’m taking slow bites.

And I know it’s totally crazy to think we have this chance.

For the first time in forever….we're doing an indoor dance!

(Cat in the backyard)

Don’t let them out

Don’t let them see

Be the sneaky cat you always have to be

Conceal

Don’t reveal

I have their steaks to go!

Make one wrong move and then the dogs will know.

I’ve got to eat them all today.

(dogs) The house is ours for today!

(cat) Let’s eat before it’s too late.

(dogs) Let’s eat before it’s too late.

(Cat) Tell the kids to close up…the gate!

For the first time in forever….(don't let them in, don't let them see)

we’re getting what we’re dreaming of! (Be the sneaky cat you always have to be)

A chance to leave the outside world. (conceal) A chance to be where we love!

(conceal, don’t reveal, don’t let them know)

And I know it all ends tomorrow, so it has to be today!

For the first time in forever…..nothings in our way!

This year for Valentine's Day, we tried out a new family activity.  It involved a family mailbox, little heart-cutouts, and kind words.  When someone did something kind or we thought of something we appreciated about another family member, we wrote it down on a heart cut-out and put it in our family mailbox (made by Zac and me a few years ago).  We called it words of appreciation or compliments. 

We gave each other these Valentines starting from February 1 all the way to February 14. There was no limit to how many compliments or appreciative words we gave each other so we left plenty of hearts on the kitchen table throughout the 14 days.  After our special Valentines family dinner while we were all eating dessert, we pulled the hearts out and read them out loud. 

When I first announced our special activity on February 1st during the commotion of dinner, "Daddy" responded with an uncertain, I'm-not-sure-I'm-on-board, "um.....what?"  He did however, participate and get into it as the two weeks went on, which included requesting more hearts when we ran out.  Adelyn needed a little help.  I encouraged her a couple of times each day to think of something that someone else did for her and wrote it down for her.  She would put it in the box herself. I think Scott and I both really enjoyed the excitement and joy on the kids' faces when they listened to a compliment addressed to them. 

This worked well for us because not only did we all try to dwell more on the positive attributes of others, but we also tried to make sure we were being appreciative material worthy of a heart! Happy Valentine's Day!

This activity is great for

• Tactile/Sensory motor- cutting out, writing, hands-on putting hearts in the box
• Visual- Seeing the family mail box reminds us to think about the topic
• Auditory- listening to the family members read what is on the heart for them

Ideas for Family Time

Activities we do as a family listed below

How many times over do you find yourself saying, "my kids are growing up so fast" or "I can't believe my child is already (fill in the blank)?  I look at my kids, excited about watching them grow, yet I just want to stay in some moments forever.  I think about how I always want them to run to me with hugs or be excited to see me after I've been gone or come up to me and say "will you play with me?"  Although every mom needs a break at times, I love being so important to my little ones now.  I almost never (almost) want to be apart from them.  It's nice to be loved.  How can we make this last forever...

My mom and dad are both great examples when it comes to making efforts to stay close to the family.  They both call their parents often.  My mom and her 5 siblings all call each other and seem to feel very comfortable sharing thoughts and feelings with each other.  My dad's family has always lived very near each other.  My husband's family is also a great example.  Every year they gather at the family lake house and do tubing, skiing, cooking, and talking with very little media use. They also eat all the meals together and pray together.  They are so close. Not that either of our families are perfect or don't have issues...but there is definitely a connection.  Now I am trying to do the same for my family.  

We have thousands of responsibilities, interests, goals, and tasks to do in our lifetime.  If anyone reads my Pinterest description they will find that I admit to being interested in having "more hobbies than I can handle".  Fortunately for my family, one of my hobbies IS family itself.  We are all learning how difficult it can be to juggle schedules whether a family is new or old. When we WANT to be close and hang out with each other it's easier to make time since you look forward to it.  So now I'm doing my best to build the bond so we get to that point.

I want my kids to feel like they belong and that they are secure.  I hope that they will feel like they can trust us.  I want them to feel comfortable coming to us when they need to talk.  I want them to know that we love them unconditionally.  So here is to family time and developing strong bonds. 

A great quote from my college priest which is one of my all time favorites- "The most intimate form of community is family" -- Fr. Stephen Payne

So what kinds of things do you like to do with your family? Especially the things that are cheap?

Here is a list of some things that we enjoy doing. 

1. Family Dinner and telling what we are thankful for
2. Family game night on Sundays (especially helps when the weekend coming to an end feels like a downer!)
3. Family music time (dancing, singing or playing instruments)
4. Family walks or hikes around the city
5. Picnic lunch
6. Baking or making new snacks
7. Playing sports
8. Gardening
9. Craft time (whether it's the same craft or we all do different ones. We just walk around Hobby Lobby and get thousands of ideas)
10. See plays 
11. Act out stories
12. Reading a story or chapter book together (maybe add some hot chocolate during the winter)
13. Go to the library
14. Family movie night
15. Camping- (for real, for dinner in the backyard, under the dining room table)
16. Bowling (Kids bowl free program is available during the summers nationwide)
17. Family Wii time
18. House projects (early intervention for young children!)

Here are Things I want to do in the Future

1. Attend random highschool band, choir, orchestra concerts. Many are probably reasonable or free
2. Planetarium 
3. Fruit picking