Our Journey to Staying on Task

"Oh, What? I'm Suppose to Be Doing Something Right Now? Right...I forgot. I'm going.  I'm on my way.  And oh look! Here is my such n such.  Isn't it great? I like to set it up like this. Yeah, now this goes like this. There we go, now I'll straighten out the top and...oh what? Oh I forgot again. I'm going.   And oh yeah, I also forgot that I need to finish that craft project I started yesterday. It's over there. I didn't finish coloring this part.  Let me just color it real quick. And...okay! I'm going!"

Have you ever been on either side of this conversation? If you have children there is a good chance you have.  Have you felt crazy and mentally exhausted by the end of the day after relentless conversations like this? 

It is rather common for young children to get distracted.  Some just happen to have this conversation a little more than others. Me, I have been on both sides. I remember getting distracted as a child. During school or at home.  At home it was usually during homework time.  Now, as an adult I have a similar conversation almost every day, however, now I am on the other side of it.  The other participant is my 5 year old daughter.  

Adelyn is very distracted at home.  It is not a spiteful, "I want to do wrong" behavior. She tries hard, but staying on task is difficult for her to achieve. I can ask her to do something and she has forgotten by the time she makes it up the stairs. She also happens to be very creative (common for those who get distracted). She can turn a rock and two coins into something to play with for extended periods of time.  I remember myself, playing with two pennies on the design of my grandparent's kitchen floor.  When nothing else is around, 5 sticks can turn into a family of characters with different personalities.  Because of this creative characteristic, anything can be distracting.  Everything you see can be something to play with, something to create, or an adventure waiting to happen.  

The interesting side of this is that she does just fine at school. Although her teacher has many teaching tools and visuals on the walls, Adelyn is able to focus on her work and get it done within the designated work period. Without her toys and things in front of her and only her brown table area, she does great.  Her teacher suggested the idea that perhaps when she gets home after a very structured school day, she just feels the need to unwind and have the freedom to do at her own pace.  That sounds accurate to me.  

So how do we deal with this "distractedness" in the mean time?  Well, it has taken some work. 

These 6 things have helped drastically.  
  
1. Music/chanting the task to be done

                           Teaching the chant

     Doing it on her own and getting excited about it!

As I mentioned, sometimes my daughter forgets what she is suppose to be doing by the time she reaches the top of the stairs or the entrance to her room becoming absorbed with all of the inviting distractions around her. We recently have tried a fun way to keep her focused on the current task using music/rhythm.  

The following steps have helped us to put this idea in place.

1. I chant the task/tasks that must be done.
2. Repeat them 4-5 times.
3. Have her chant with me 3 times
4. Send her off! 

If you are doing a set of tasks you can chant all three in the sequence in which you want them to be performed.  Use only a few words per task. Start out by explaining each one and then pick one or two words when chanting. Think Dora the Explorer when the map told her where she needed to go. 

For example:

Take off your shoes

Pick out a snack

Sit down at the table

Chant (and clap for extra reinforcement:

Shoes

Pick Snack

Table

2.  A timer

This is a great visual to help understand the concept of time.  Children need something concrete. The red shows how much time she has left.  She has become good at telling a difference between a lot of red and a little bit of red.  You can set it to beep when time is up if you desire.  This helps us a lot during dinner when her talking is taking the place of eating.  We definitely encourage conversation at the table, but she needs this timer to keep her eye on and that really helps her balance it out. 

3. A BIG clock at EYE LEVEL

I hung this big clock right at eye level and in a place where Adelyn walks by frequently.  This is definitely helping with her telling time skills. I show her the big hand and what number it is going to be on when her time is up.  Works like the red timer, but it is working towards helping her tell time.  

I HIGHLY recommend getting an analog clock for your kids.  It teaches about telling time, gives a concrete visual understanding of time and has an impact on planning and spatial awareness.  When I think about planning my day, I see the clock in my head and schedule events in my mind by each number. Planning is very visual for me.  

4. Counting

"You have 10 seconds to get your hair wet.  You have 10 seconds to open up the shampoo, squeeze it out and put it in your hair.  You have 10 seconds to rinse it out."  

I was amazed at how quickly she got finished showering when we tried this method.  I used a very enthusiastic and encouraging voice when I said the above words.  Adelyn got pumped up and she counted to 10 while she did each part.  We were finished in about 3-5 minutes total instead of 15-20.  What a change!

5.  A picture routine  

Our brains process images and color faster than words.  Words take more conscious thought. We have to process what each letter stands for, what it sounds like, put all of the sounds together to make a word, and then process what the word means. Pictures win. 

It is even better to have a schedule with REAL pictures from your house.  I am in the process of making her one with her own stuff. I think that will help her process the pictures even faster.  With these clip art pictures, she still has to generalize those to her own things. 

As they learn to read, it is good to increase vocabulary and spelling words by having the routine written out.  Since our 3rd baby was born, my husband has impressed me, helping out a lot with the routine reminders.  He made this list above. 

6. Rewards!!

The first step to increasing any behavior is rewarding the behavior. Help children want to work to improving on task skills.  

This gives them something 

1. concrete to see and therefor can
2. track their own progress,
3. take initiative to reaching the goal,
4. and build self esteem in the whole process. 

Adults work for rewards whether we realize that or not.  I was delighted when I came to this realization in college during the time we worked on self direction projects.  Woo hoo, ice cream for me! The reward of a clean room is sometimes motivating enough for an adult (and sometimes not...um that was me for a while).  For children, that is too abstract.  They need a concrete tracking system and reward that they can see with their own eyes and feel with their own hands. 

We have three different lines they can earn stars on. When they reach the end, they get to pick from our prize box (full of consumables for the most part).  They can also LOSE stars.

We divide the day in half. They can earn one per morning in each category and one per afternoon/night.

Respect- top line of the chart.  Includes kind words, gentle hands, personal space, honesty, helping others, taking care of someone else's things.

Chores- middle line of the chart.  Includes regular house chores, some daily, some weekly.

Responsibilities- bottom line of the chart.  Includes homework, packing for school, taking care of pets, scout homework, piano practice, getting prepared for sports.

 *In order for reward charts to be successful, parents themselves must be consistent.  I  totally know it is hard....I have caught myself having to hand out stickers for the previous two days plus the current day.  Pick a consistent time to do it every day. We do it after dinner. On crazy nights it is before they go to bed while I am still trying to hold my eyelids open. 

Also, hand out the stickers in a designated amount of time that works for each child.  Maybe it is at the end of each day or maybe at noon and the end of the day. As soon as they reach the end of the row show them to the prize box!

To sum it up:

These six things have put some fun back into our after-school routine, allowing tasks to get done, arguing to diminish, and enjoyment of being together to take place. Most of the time.  I did raise my voice pretty loud yesterday. It is better though, with these new methods in place. Patience and gentleness are two virtues that have challenged me during this journey with our daughter.  I am still learning.  Whether it is now or in the future, there will be things about me that will drive her crazy and require her to learn that same patience and gentleness with me.  It's all part of that beautiful family community.  My heart's delight and the people I gladly get to journey with every day, flaws and all.  

4 Steps in Teaching Kids to Accomplish Something

For our summer trip we took during this month of June, we stopped at the public library and checked out about 10 audio books for the car ride.  We play them on the car CD player and also bring a portable one with headphones for the kids to share. We were listening to one of the books in the Magic Tree House Series where the characters in the book are given 4 secret words that teach on how to accomplish a goal or "get good" at something.

The words or virtues the characters uncover during the stories to find out about success in accomplishments are humility, hard work, meaning and purpose, and enthusiasm.  I liked that the author included these concepts in the books and the creative ways she used to teach these words to children.  I do think though, that if I had to put them in order, it would be different from the order they uncovered the words in and I also think that there is another word that is necessary to have in addition to these other four words.

If I had to list these virtues in order to teach how to achieve accomplishments, I would choose meaning and purpose as the first. Generally, a person has to believe in what they are doing.  We choose to do things that are meaningful to us. That very meaning and purpose in a skill or task can give us the motivation, interest, or enthusiasm to get started and be persistent. There likely are those who do something because they were told to do it and do it to be obedient without thinking about it, and perhaps maybe those people eventually find meaning and purpose to what they are doing in some situations, after they practice and work hard. As my husband told me, he has considered working at other jobs he has heard about, but in the end stays where he is because he likes what he is doing and believes in what he is working on.

In considering the next virtue of accomplishment, I would say that enthusiasm is next.  It is a result of finding meaning and purpose to a task or building skills.  Once a person finds something they truly believe in it, enthusiasm comes naturally in wanting to accomplish this goal. Upon discovering that all positions on a soccer team are necessary and contribute to goals scored, a person is likely to be more excited to practice and play their position. In high school, when I had the desire to take percussion lessons, I became even more enthusiastic to practice and audition for the drum line and wind ensemble band when I realized that I had a chance at getting in to both of these.   This enthusiasm or interest, greatly affects the progress we make and what lengths we are willing to go through to be successful.   On the days my son decides that he is not interested in learning piano, he hardly gets anywhere in his lesson, grunting, speeding through the songs or pieces, and allowing himself to become easily frustrated. He also has no interest in learning anything from me or finding other resources to help him. On the days he is eager, he is willing to be patient with himself, sit and work hard, practice more frequently, ask me questions, and see how it would be useful to his life.

I think the next virtue following enthusiasm would be hard work.  Once the interest is there, then the person can focus much better on practicing and working hard.  I am much more willing to sit at the piano for extended periods of time when working on preferred pieces.  I also love to be outdoors playing sports and can easily stay out there for hours assuming the weather is pleasant. Pretty straight forward...

Finally, I would say that humility is the last step usually learned.  Once we start working hard, we will likely hit road blocks. Maybe we have all had moments of refusing to accept help from someone for whatever reason.  Maybe it is wanting to know that we could accomplish it ourselves without help, maybe we just get frustrated in the practicing process and do not feel like talking to anyone, let alone accepting help, maybe we have a grudge against the person offering...As we know though, help is necessary often times in achieving our goals. Others with more wisdom, experience, and patience have a lot to offer to us in how to achieve something and how to be persistent in doings so.  Sometimes it just takes time for us to learn this virtue of humility.

There is one quality that my husband and I both find absolutely crucial to possess along with these four words is self confidence.  If a person lacks a belief in themselves and their ability to achieve anything at all, how likely is it that they would even try? If they do not like who they are or do not think themselves worthy of being anything great, would they try, participate, or practice anything? If they do not see purpose to their own life at all, would they find purpose in tasks, have enthusiasm or be willing to work hard?

As babies, enthusiasm or interest in something may be the key word that begins the process of self-confidence.  Interest in reaching a toy may be what motivates a little one to start crawling and practicing with their muscles, once they are at that point of development.  Hard as it is to accept sometimes, it may be failure that encourages this self-confidence. When they fail and then try again, they learn that hard work leads to success.  When we as humans fail and then achieve, we learn that we can keep trying and achieve.  Failure can be discouraging, but it is also an important tool in encouraging hard work and achieving this self-confidence that is significant to a person's life.

It is important that we do not skip over teaching this concept for fear of arrogance.  As the author mentioned, humility is also key, but we will not learn anything from anyone if we do not first believe that we can be successful and that we are indeed, worthy of success.

The author's four words of important virtues I believe are absolutely necessary to have to be successful and accomplish goals.  I think they were presented in a way that children can understand.  I do also believe that we also need to make sure we see the value of self confidence.

Dropping Paper...Ever Have the Urge?

Dropping paper and cards on the ground does not happen to be my urge personally, but it does happen to be something one of my students finds greatly interesting.  In fact, it is something he will walk off and do any time he feels he needs to or wants to. Yes, this student does have autism.  When I first started doing an evaluation with him, I was searching for ways through music to keep him distracted from the things he desired or felt he needed to do.  The team was searching for ways to keep him engaged so he could get his school work done.

In the middle of the evaluation process (which takes a few weeks), I was asked to read the book titled, The Reason I Jump, by Naoki Higashida, a boy with autism. I believe he was about 13 when he wrote it (and when I say write, I mean he had someone help him get the words out that he wanted to say in a much different way than we would write).   Even though I was aware of the sensory differences in all sensory systems that those with autism experience, this boy changed the way I approached my techniques. I realized that many times, they cannot control the urges they have to do different things and sometimes cannot even realize what their limbs are doing.

Naoki explained how much detail they see in objects upon first sight.  For many of us, we see the object as a whole and then begin to notice details over time.  This gave me ideas about my own student.  If I have to guess, I would say he processes visual sensory information much differently than I. He sees something I do not see, constantly looking towards the ceiling with his hand moving slowly in front of his face.  He has a great fascination with airplanes and things moving through the air, hence, the dropping paper and cards and watching them fall to the ground.

Well, I had completed all of my observations and information gathering. I was now on the third day of assessing his IEP objectives WITH music and comparing them to how he did WITHOUT music. It had served well as a memory and information recall tool for this boy, but it was not keeping him focused and less distracted from any stimulation urges he had.  The music was not motivating him and motivation to work with music is usually the first sign that music therapy would be a good therapy for a student, and we were down to one more objective of learning his phone number. He is great at matching pictures, letters, and numbers which is what we were having him do to the melody I was singing, but he had no interest whatsoever to leave his ceiling gazing and paper dropping.  

The teacher and I sat for a minute both of us thinking.  Think outside the box...think outside the box...nothing in the box has been successful...what message would Naoki be giving to me here?  Well of course. An idea came.  Stop fighting the urge....use them in the objective. I tossed some of the numbers he used to match his phone number on the floor with some of the extra numbers that he didn't need. I saved some for him too and made sure he noticed when I tossed them on the floor.  "Here, your turn," I told him.  He took some and let them fall to the floor.  On his face we could see signs of pleasure.  "Find the number 2 like this!" I showed him and then sang the melody.  And he found it and placed it in the correct spot. Oh thank heavens. It took a few more drops to the floor with the numbers, but we managed to get the phone number matched and in addition were able to get him to recall the numbers afterward through the melody. Success? I definitely felt like it was.

He received music therapy services following, because of how well it worked as a memory tool and conveyor of information. Another yay for music. Keep the music in you!

The Calm-Down Spot

 

We have reached a point where the kids are learning the need to calm down and have time away rather than a spot of punishment or time-out.  This one is also a little different because it's for us parents too. We recently made a deal with both of them, that if one of us is getting upset, irritated, losing patience, not speaking in the nicest tone or just plain frustrated with someone else then we need to take it as a clue to step away and go calm down.  It is also used when the kids are starting to misbehave because they want to be in control and do what they want and speak inappropriately to us or their sibling.  I let them know that they I will speak with them when they have taken time at the calm-down table and are talking in a nicer tone.  There have been times when they are just feeling like they do not want to be told what to do at all, have refused the suggestion to go there and I then resolve to let them know that they can choose to go there on their own or to have me bring them there, which keeps the ball in their court.  

It hasn't worked in a couple of cases, but I would say that this new system is working very well.  This table is covered in an ocean style colored cloth with peaceful pictures to browse through on top.  You will also see two pinwheels and a calming bottle.  

• The pinwheels can be enjoyable for kids to watch but it also requires deep, focused breaths to make the wheel go round.  These same type of breaths are also what we need as humans to calm our bodies down.  For kids it can be fun and relaxing at the same time. 
• The calming jar is a jar filled with a glitter paste and water.  When the kids shake it, the glitter slowly glides to the bottom.  It is enjoyable to watch and it requires one to stop and visually track the glitter as it floats to the bottom, distracting one from the frustrations that were occuring.
• Cabasa is a musical instrument with beads.  Rolling the Cabasa on skin can be calming and can also invoke sensory stimulation.
• Drums can be helpful if you don't mind the banging and if they are directed in the right way.  It has not proven to be helpful if we re-direct kids to hit drums instead of people.  Hitting anything generally continues the negative emotions, however drums can be used when using deep breathing.  When exhaling, drop your hands on a drum.  Ocean drums do not require hitting and can be effective in calming.  
• Rain sticks of course, can remind us of falling water.   Some are louder than others but it also might be an option. 
• Calming recorded music is another option.  Different styles of music have an effect on everyone differently.  Maybe having family members choose a few agreeable selections of meditative or instrumental music if this is something desired for this spot. 
• Words are another option as they learn to read.  Calming and positive words are good to train our brains to think about to help the calming process.  For example, words like, "breathe," "encourage," "help," "I'm sorry," "share," or "forgive."

I do suggest considering safe objects.  Some such as sea shells or rocks could be used instead as a projectile before the calming occurs. 

This spot is meant to serve for calming with things that are enjoyable and calming for the kids, but not to the point that they want to stay there all day (for instance, Legos might not be the best choice).  The hope is that it serves as a place to lower stress hormones and help them recognize the signs to look for when we get experience negative emotions. 

Kids Handling Stress

This past week in a facilitator training, we talked a lot about handling stress and the difference between how kids and adults handle and show stress.  I thought about how my own kids handle stress, how my kids at work handle stress, and then of course how I handle it.  I know I've posted on this topic for adults before, but I have been thinking very heavily about helping kids to handle stressful situations.

What do we do?
When adults are stressed, we see a variety of signs.  We show it first on our face with signs of being "flustered", maybe withdrawn, strained, sad, solemn, or serious.  We might also bury our hands in our face, sigh constantly, have little patience when explaining something, have short words with people, say things we really wouldn't say if we were feeling good, blame others, yell.....

What do kids do when they are stressed?

Things I think of are cry, throw tantrums, cling to people they love, or just act out in a negative way.  

Cause
We as adults may be able to figure out what it is that is causing our stress.  We can re-trace those thoughts and think about what thought it was that we got to that caused our stress or what situation or event is causing it.  Kids often do not have a clue what the cause is, but they know they do not feel good.  

Positive ways to handle stress and prevention

I have thought a lot about the things that help me as an adult.  I love running around, especially at soccer, dancing/exercise workouts, talking it out with someone, sitting outside, stretching, playing the piano, guitar or drums, singing, journaling, and praying.

Kids?

There are many things we can teach kids.  It's hard to do a stress release activity in the middle of an anger spell or tantrum, but if these are things they practice ahead of time, they will be more likely to respond to it during the moment.  Our brains love patterns and the brain normalizes repetition/ things that are repeated.  Some of these things are great prevention methods too.  Keeping kids in sports or something active may help stress to not escalate so much. 

Sensory- Running, jumping (trampolines), drumming, pushing a wall, pulling up on the bottom of a chair, petting animals, baking, Play Doh, clay, sensory buckets, bubble wrap popping, looking at calming pictures or watching a  calming jar.

Deep breathing- blowing bubbles, blowing pinwheels, lifting arms and dropping on drums

Sports- gymnastics, karate, soccer, baseball, basketball, football, dance, hiking, biking, swimming, horseback riding. 

Artistic- art, music, dance, drama, blocks. Legos

Kids can also learn more about the causes of negative emotions and how to handle them through dramatic play.  My kids love to watch me "talk" their stuffed animals and puppets. These animals can pretend to have a rough day at school or not know what to do in a social situation.  Brainstorming together with the child and "animal friend" can really help with motivation to solve the problem.

Shoe Problems

So I'm a little paranoid.  About shoes. Shoes in the house, specifically.  Growing up, we took them off at the front door. This habit began when we lived overseas in Dubai.  The local people there did the same when they entered their homes.  Sounded good to us.  Less dirt in the house!  And now, less allergens tracked in.

Turns out, there is another advantage of putting your shoes by the door when you come in.  We always know where our shoes are.  In the closet or by the door. I have dragged Scott into this idea which he has kindly begun to get on board with.  The kids however, are still working on the habit. I still hear grumbles and "awwws" as I announce, "Please take off your shoes and put them by the door."   Sometimes they sweetly oblige, but other times the shoes do not come off right away and end up in no man's land.  This of course means that shoes cannot be found when they are needed. Like when Mom is dragging them out the door to be somewhere.

Fortunately,  this is a mistake they can afford to make with a small price to pay.  I would rather them learn from this kind of mistake than some one with a bigger price down the road when they are a few years older. As Foster and Clive have said, we build self-esteem by learning to make successful choices.  I just have to remind myself of this and tell myself that I do not need to follow them and say, "Put your shoes by the door" until they do it (unless there is mud).  I forget sometimes....a lot of times..., but this weekend I remembered to just give one warning. So this morning, (Sunday!) when we were trying to leave for church AND the USA vs Australia women's soccer (YEAH!!!!!) we had some problems.  Zachary was trying to pack his change of clothes that included his sneakers and they were no where to be found.

I tried super hard to be patient...hmmm you might have to ask them how that turned out...and then also sympathetic to how he was feeling so I could lessen the power struggle (as indicated in Love and Logic which I'm trying to make sure I'm doing because I do love their philosophy).  So I said, "I'm sorry you can't find the shoes you need. I feel very frustrated when that happens to me."  He was extremely upset without his sneakers and ended up having to go with just sandals.  The first few minutes of the car ride were extremely unpleasant with a little boy screaming that he wanted his shoes.  Hopefully our sympathetic lines of, "I'm sorry you don't have your shoes...I know it's frustrating to not know where you put them" helped with the realization that it was his responsibility.   We also did ask him when he was in his calmer state about what might have happened if he had put his shoes by the door.

Anyhow, after the morning at church and then the game at the Alamo Dome, we came home and Zachary searched for his shoes, very concerned that he would not have them for P.E. tomorrow (found them in the guest bathroom...?what??? I never would have thought to look there).  The hope is that the shoes will be sitting happily in their home by the door far more often.

Picture Schedules and Children with Autism

In the previous post I had information about why the blue pocket organizer was so great for teaching routines whether at home or in sessions with clients.  There are several ways it can be helpful when working with children with autism.  

Just to review, I mentioned before that the pocket schedules are great for:

• Children who are not yet reading
• Quick processing- the brain processes pictures rather than learned skills (language/reading) more quickly
• lowering anxiety by allowing children to know what is coming next and feel like they have control

I also believe that it can be good for some children with autism in helping them to be comfortable with changing a routine. All children are different but it may be helpful.  I began thinking more about this when another music therapist was telling a group of us about a client who will not move on to another activity if the activities are out of order or something new has been added to the routine.  One of the clients I have was at one time, not okay with changing the order of our activities/interventions.   Let me just call her, Jesse.  Over time Jess became more comfortable with changing the order of these activities and adding new things to the routine both of which had to do with the pocket schedule, setting out ALL of the activities in a line, and a reward.

1. Changing the Order-  Since Jesse could see the order of activities and what was coming next every session for several weeks she became very comfortable with our session.  When I swapped two of the activities she could still see that everything else was the same and also that I still had the same activities planned which were in the line she saw every week.  This helped to eliminate any anxiety she might have had from lack of control and unpredictability.  
2. Adding new activities/interventions- These same ideas can be applied to adding new activities.  Jesse could still see that the rest of the routine was still the same which gave her a sense of control and predictability.  
3. Rewards-To assist with number 1 and 2, Jesse got a token put on her token chart. These tokens earn her extra time with favorite activities in the classroom.  For each activity she participated in, she got a token.   With that in mind the transition to new or swapped activities went more smoothly.  

It will be interesting to find out how this works for others with similar struggles.  All children respond differently but it is something else to try!  

Routines Presented Visuallly

I absolutely love this portable organizer that I bring with me from session to session.  It works well for a variety of kids I see with special needs but it also is great for my kids at home.  Many children are very visual learners so something like this can bring about great comfort to them, especially when they can see the order of events for the entire day.

This order of pictures is a routine and it's effective for kids who do not yet read or have already begun reading.  Really, it's nice for anyone because we as humans can process the pictures more quickly than reading words.  Words take conscious thought and skill and need more cognition/firing neurons to comprehend.  We have to process what each letter stands for, what it sounds like, put all of the sounds together to make a word, and then process what the word means. I vote for pictures.

I put the first 5 on the front in a vertical column and anymore activities after that on the back which you can see below. 

Why is routine important for kids? Routine gives young children a sense of control.  They know what is coming next.  This predictability gives them self-confidence.  Self-confidence is a key element in becoming an independent human being (Cline and Fay, Parenting with Love and Logic, and Seligman, The Optimistic Child.) 

If they do happen to see that a non-typical event is on the schedule, they can at least also see that the rest of their schedule will stay the same.  This can lower any anxiety that some children might experience regularly.  The children I see who have autism really like being able to see their session schedule and also like the tactile part of taking the pictures down when finished or turning them over.

The difference between a schedule and a routine- Routine does not have to be clock work.  That is the difference between a schedule and a routine.  A schedule is based on a clock.  A routine is based on an order of events which falls in a similar time frame each day.  More about this idea can be found in The Baby Whisperer Solves All Your Problems. 

Does having a routine mean that my children will not be flexible? No, it does not. If children are able to predict what is happening most of the time, then when the routine does change, they often find that it is a special event or a nice vacation from the normal, however it is comforting to know that they will still know what is happening the next day when it goes back to normal.  

As mentioned before, if the children do happen to see that a non-typical event is on the schedule, they can at least also see that the rest of their schedule will stay the same.  

It is important to communicate the change to your children ahead of time whether it is verbally and/or through a schedule such as this.  

Back of the board- the ending part of a session routine.

An example of a morning routine in a home.

This pocket organizer happened to come from Lakeshore Learning.  

How do you De-stress?

Scott, thinking and looking forward to doing nothing on a camping trip.

To continue on with the theme of maintaining mental stability, I wanted to brainstorm different ideas on how to unwind or de-stress.  The presentation we heard on this topic included the fact that too much of anything is not good, but when used in balance, de-stressing activities are extremely beneficial! 

I know that I love:

• Playing the piano
• Doing yoga to very calming music (my favorite is Liquid Mind....it has no rhythm except the chord change when the songwriter takes a breath...he wrote it specifically to help himself de-stress).
• Meditating
• Sitting on the couch while the kids play with a cup of decaff coffee
• reading
• watching TV
• Painting
• Playing soccer

What is your favorite way to calm yourself??

Taking a nap?

Going for a walk?

Exercising?

Reading a book?

Painting?

Making music?

Petting a dog?

Splashing in puddles?

Swinging?

Playing in the dirt?

Or better yet, playing in the mud? 

Playing in the sand?

Digging for dinosaurs?

Cleaning?

Socializing?

Being a couch potato?

We all have our own ways of unwinding.  Love to hear from you!!

Maintaining Mental Stability-Putting on Your Own Oxygen Mask

Japanese Tea Gardens-San Antonio, TX

Maintaining Mental Stability-Putting on Your Own Oxygen Mask

Yesterday, a group at my church I help to co-coordinate called 
MOMS (ministry of mothers in service), invited a licensed professional counselor to come speak with us on how to maintain our own mental stability while doing our jobs as mothers and wives.  The information from this presentation does not only apply to mothers and wives.  It can apply to any human being learning to enjoy their life and love who they are.

As I observed reactions around the room and listened to questions and comments, I realized that her words had really touched each of us.  It appeared to me that we could all relate to what she was saying to us.  She heavily emphasized the fact that we need to take care of our emotional and mental stability the way we would our own physical stability.

I took notes however I did not get everything word for word. I just wanted to share the summary of her presentation. 

Maintaining Mental Stability in the Home-Putting on your oxygen mask.

Part I

When we are on an airplane we hear the flight attendants tell us that if something happens on the plane and the oxygen masks drop, put yours on first and then help those around you. Why? Because if you pass out, then you will not be able to help anyone else. The same is true for us. If we do not take care to guard our physical safety and our emotional safety, then we will not be able to provide for our children and have good relationships with our husbands.  

Emotional safety

We  have the right and duty to protect our emotional safety just as you would your physical safety.  If someone were to shove you or hit you in the face you would put up a guard, and say "whoa...you can't do that. That's not okay".  The same idea applies when you are guarding your emotional safety.  If someone verbally abuses you or in other words, talks down on you or makes jokes about your character you can and should put up that same guard and say "whoa...you can't do that, that's not okay". 

We do not have to sacrifice our physical and emotional safety. We need to be healthy all around in order to do our jobs as human beings and create a healthy family life.

Part II

Anxiety

What are coping techniques we use to calm our anxieties? Anxiety is caused by cortisol which is a hormone that is released when we are anxious.  Water can physically lower our cortisol levels so this is another reason to drink a lot of water.Deep breathing can also do the same.

Ideas from our moms on effective coping mechanisms: chocolate, bubble baths, reading (books we read have an effect on our mood), stretching and yoga, calming music, Pinterest, and shopping, prayer.

Balance the coping mechanisms

Coping mechanisms are important and can be wonderful but balance is key. Too much of anything can throw off our balance of what's important.  

Cognitive technique to lowering anxiety and solve our issues

1. Stop

2. Think back through the thoughts you just had.

3. At which thought did you notice your anxiety start.

4.Use words- words help us understand the problem which then helps us to solve it. Journaling or just writing down your thoughts can be a way of processing your thoughts and internalizing.  

5.  Is your anxiety or emotional survival being affected by someone else's words or actions or is it the thoughts that you are telling yourself? 

Words help us. We as humans live on words. When we understand the problem we feel a lot better.

Part III

Ways to Resolve

What can we do to predict and prepare for particular outcomes? We watch the weather channel so that we can be prepared for the weather if we go outside.  What can we do ahead of time to prepare for what YOU have control over.  

Sometimes we as moms get anxious about particular situations because our survival of emotional and physical safety comes into play.  How can we use our words to help other people understand why we are anxious about these particular situations such as a husband waking a child at night.  

Use "I feel" statements such as, "I feel like you are not taking my sleep into consideration when you make a lot of noise and wake up the baby. If the baby wakes up then I have to get up and care for the baby during my time to sleep and get the rest I need". 

Moms are natural scientists.  

We do what we do to prepare for something, such as wanting to be the only one to pack a diaper bag because we know what we need and how to do it.  

Sometimes we do not realize that others have ides from another perspective and asking questions in an open and non-threatening way can bring in new ideas.  How can we use our words with our husbands to solve problems that affect our emotional survival/anxiety?

Again....is your emotional survival being affected by another person? 

Or is it the thoughts you are telling yourself?

3 Yr old Rewards- Facing the Threatening 3s

Well we have just about hit the 3 yr mark. Adelyn will be 3 this month! I continue to be shocked at how fast this her life is flying by.  She is a cheerful and very excited little girl.  I'm struggling to capture every moment that I can.  

She has also come to the point where we need to advance her rewards to a visual chart on the fridge.  Stickers are still super but this will help organize the number of times we hand them out and also give her a concrete and visual way to see her rewards. Since she cannot read yet I maybe should have gone another step and put the pictures of what she gets rewarded for. I know she will be very proud looking at the refrigerator seeing her success.  

Although I just put on the chart what she gets rewarded for, this chart does go both ways.  She can also lose her stickers for not following directions or being disrespectful to someone.  When she reaches 10 stickers she will get to pick from our prize box.  It's filled with mostly edible things.  

We like this chart because it's not only using punishment like "time out" (which we will still do when removing a sticker is not enough) to motivate kids to behave but it also rewards the behavior we want to see.

We have started out with 10 stickers and all of the things she can earn one for go on the same row.  As the kids get older the charts can be changed to meet their growing needs. There are some really nice and fun charts that can be purchased also like one my friend Erika got for her little guy who is also in the 3s.  

Top 10 Things I Have Done for My Wellness

Leaving Bainbridge Island 

I have been looking back often to think about how my husband and I have grown in our own mental health and lifestyle habits.  I look back and realize how far we have come since we got married 6 1/2 years ago or since I first started college 10 1/2 years ago.  Even though I'm not perfect, I look back and see something to be proud of and I hope that you can do so in your own life.

Scott and I both had our share of emotional struggles.  He experienced extreme depression and anxiety which began in college.  I found that I am very anxious when I am away from being social with close family and friends and have also pinpointed other things that cause me to be fearful.  We have both learned about which habits are not healthy or are frustrating to other people in the house.   We have both had to learn about how to handle other people when are frustrated with them, and how to figure out if there is anything we can change about ourselves to improve the situation with these particular people, or if we have no control.   We have had to learn to not take everything personally....sometimes people respond to situations in negative ways because of things going on with them, not necessarily because there's something wrong with me.  Still not perfect but still on the learning path.


I wanted to share resources that have helped us along the way.  If you have any to share please leave your helpful suggestions in the comments.  I love hearing about what works for different types of people.

• Counseling-  I believe very much in cognitive behavioral counseling.  Counseling is not just for people with extreme mental disorders.  It's a form of maintaining wellness. Practicing the techniques at home are a big part of this to help change any negative habits of thinking. Scott went for 5 years on a regular basis.  He and I also went for a year to marriage counseling and then now we go as needed.  If you do not click well with the first counselor you find try another one.  They are okay with that and know that not everyone meshes with every counselor. 

• Self help books- My favorites are on the "Emotional Health Resources" tab on the blog.  Let me just say, reading self-help books does not mean you lack faith.  Just as we go to the doctor for medical treatment, we must help our brains for mental issues.  Scott made great strides in his mental state with Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy, The Optimistic Child and Brainlock (which is also very good for anyone with OCD). Understanding how behavior works and observing my own in regard to these books has seriously effected my habits. 

• www.Dailystrength.org   This is a support group website. You sign up and can join groups of all types.  I am part of the asthma support group and mother's of toddlers.  Scott joined an anxiety group.  There is almost every medical condition you can think of.  You can discuss and vent with people who have issues similar to you such as these things, write journals which you can have everyone on daily strength see, friends on daily strength see or just you see.  This group can help to lesson any isolation you may feel in your situation.

• Socializing and Support Groups- I need people.  I get energy from socializing. Having people who can relate and understand can bring a sense of peace and remind us that we are not alone especially if you are new to a place, a new stay at home mom, working from home, dealing with some form of stress, and plenty more.  Hop on Google and see what type of support groups or socializing sites are in your area. You may be surprised.  One popular website is www.meetup.com.  You can find people with similar interests to hang out with or groups who have similar lifestyles such as a stay at home mom group.  Scott just met a bunch of people who work for the same company when he judged a science fair this past weekend.  I have had to learn to speak up and ask people if they want to have lunch.  It was so hard at first but really, what did I have to lose?  

• Hobbies-  I love trying out different hobbies but I do  have my favorites.  Joining a choir last year and getting back into soccer has made me feel more normal again.  These are things I did growing up.  It also gives me time to socialize.  It is not only okay but necessary to have a hobby that does not stress you out and stimulates enjoyment.  

• Exercise-  Yes they all say it, I know.  This is one of the things that keeps Scott's muscles pain and tension under control.   I have felt better emotionally since I have started soccer again and have also started doing weights once a week with the dvd Crunch: Total Resculpt. I will be another witness in saying that those endorphins and other chemicals released during that time have a great effect on mood and there's nothing like the reward of accomplishment in exercise.  Start small and increase little by little.  Set yourself up for success. If you have never gone running, don't start out with 5 miles.  Start with running for 1 minute and walking for 29 or something like that.  Set up a schedule for yourself ahead of time so you can plan it into your routine

• Eating- Let me just say I have NOT perfected this. Eating habits are just difficult in so many different aspects. What I do know is what foods make me feel so much better.  We have "cheat day" on Saturdays when we allow ourselves to eat all kinds of junkie things.  I feel so much worse at the end of the day than I do the other days of the week.  During the week we have our dessert or "cheat" item after dinner.  Planning out meals for the entire week help to keep us eating healthy so we do not fall into the trap of "I can't find anything to eat in here...I'll just eat _____".  

• Stretching-  I can definitely tell when it's been more than a week without stretching.  My muscles definitely ache.  I like that 10 minutes in the morning which makes me take time to think before the day starts.  I don't get it in every morning but every other day works well for me.  I feel success from accomplishing something already that day and very refreshed.  

• Prayer/Meditation/Slowing down the mind-  Find your own form of slowing down the mind. Is it music, quiet, drawing or journaling? I have a prayer table set up with things that bring me peace that I sit at and an area to play my favorite relaxation music with slow to no tempo.  Deep breathing to this music helps me really calm down.  Those deep breaths really get oxygen through the bloodstream and that combined with the natural effect of music in your emotion centers of the brain can bring the calm we need.  My favorite relaxation music is Jim Brickman, Liquid mind and Gregorian Chant.

• Simplifying-  Learning tips to organization and learning how to decide what to keep make me feel less stressed.  I have had to learn that everything cannot be sentimental otherwise you have a house full of stuff.  It has also been an emotional journey of knowing that our stuff is nice but it does not define who we are.  If I give this thing away, will it take away from me as a person?  If I save this thing because I might use it later, will I end up with more stuff than I can handle.  Can I just buy another one when I need it later? We now take lots of pictures and then give the thing away that we do not need.  Thank you to my friend Becca for teaching me about how organization in your life effects your wellness. There are great tips for storage and organization on the Container store's website.  www.containerstore.com

How do you keep yourself well? Your thoughts are always appreciated. 

I am not being paid by any companies to advertise any products.